Responsibility & Freedom

A common source of suffering in our lives comes down to this: we try to change other people.

While there are things we can do to nudge someone else’s behavior in a different direction, they are ultimately in charge of their own behavior.

Perhaps the only exception to this is your own children, while they are still very young. But beyond that, trying to change someone’s behavior typically doesn’t work out the way we wish it did.

As usual, any source of suffering and emotional strain is a like a way sign, pointing us to an opportunity for growth. And this exercise is how we get there.

Exercise

• Pick an example of a person in your life who does something that irritates you (e.g. nagging you too much, worrying too much, being dishonest…).
• Describe that behavior and give yourself a moment to freely express what comes up.
• Now, summarize it in a single, short “You should…” statement.
• Write the statement: “You should [stop doing this thing].”
• Write the statement: “You are free to [continue doing the thing I want you to stop doing].”
• Write the statement: “I am free to [do the thing I want you to stop doing].”
• Note how each of these statements makes you feel.
• Find the deeper reason: “When you [do the thing I want you to stop doing], it makes me feel [a feeling I want to stop feeling].”
• What is the internal feeling you are trying to avoid?