In 2017 I was running my own successful software company and traveling the world as a digital nomad. I’d also been severely depressed for over a year. This talk is about the moment on a tram in Amsterdam that changed that, and what it taught me about integrity.
On that tram I installed a counting app so I could track how often I followed a self-destructive thought down a spiral. Each time I pulled out my phone to tap, the thought dissolved. That day was my happiest and least depressed in over a year.
Before that I’d tried the two usual answers to how to succeed as a man. One was the hustle-culture version: get fit, get rich, get women. I did some of that, and it didn’t make me any less depressed. The other was the soft, people-pleasing version, which only led to frustration and resentment.
What the tram gave me was a way to stay present with what was true inside me. That brought up unpleasant truths about my relationship, my business and a porn addiction. Dealing with them one after another is what I now call the path of integrity. It leads to quiet power, gentle strength and deep confidence, and the things I used to strive for became side effects of who I am.
The shortcut is simple and unpleasant. Write down everything you’re currently lying about, to yourself and to others, and what you’re putting up with. Pick the costliest lie, commit to not telling it anymore, and keep going one lie at a time.